"So vibrant, such an imprint, such a unique eclectic soul...What Joel had, from what I gather, is that SPARK that just penetrates deep into your spirit"
“How many brothers fell victim to the…rest in peace, my brother, there’s a heaven for a G. It’d be a lie if I told you that I’ve never thought of death, my brother, we’re the last ones left, but life goes on!” Tupac Shakur- Life Goes On
April 14th marked a month since my brother Joel had his initial cardiac arrest, which eventually led to his death. One month. The fastest, yet slowest month of my life. It is strange because I have been filled with a duality of feelings- anger and sadness. I did Joel’s eulogy, at least a version of it. What a day that was! It was incredibly difficult, but God’s Spirit carried our entire family through the day
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My cousin asked the question, “How do we celebrate a life that was cut short?” It feels strange. I don’t know the answer to that. We call them “Celebration of life” but I wonder if there could be another name for such occasions? This strange mix of emotions has not stopped- anger, sadness, confusion, regret, and more sadness. I went to the park on Sunday, April 14th to be with God and share some thought with my brother Joel.
Joel, I wish I would have taken you up on your many offers to call you. I wish I would have invited you to whatever state I lived in. I wish I could have created the space and time for you to meet your nephew Tacoma, whom you asked about every time we spoke. You’d say, “Aye, big man. Call me sometime so we can talk, alright? Pray for me and I will continue to pray for you!” Man, I never realized how much you cared, and how much I took for granted that gentle spirit of yours. I never realized, until now, how much I neglected you as my brother, even though you NEVER gave up on me, nor did you ever make me feel as though I was a scumbag for not calling you back in a timely manner. I wish I called. So many missed opportunities on my end that I now see. It is literally crippling to think about all the times I did not initiate with you and waited for you to initiate with me (I was too lazy in our relationship). I cannot go back and change things, but MAN…I wish I could!
Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner!
There will never be another relationship like the one that I had with you, Joel. I do not see the so-called “lesson” that I am supposed to learn from your passing! Why the heck does it even have to be about learning a lesson?
Lord, in your mercy, hear my cry!
Guilt. Shame. Regret. I don’t think there from you, God. But these feelings are real. I acknowledge them, but I do not want them to control me. I miss my brother. I wish I could hear his voice again (thank you for the voicemail recording), hear his seemingly random questions, hear him remind me to “be strong” and other expressions of love that he had through his repeated conversations with those he cared about!
Joel truly was a gen, a bright light that was extinguished way too soon! 37! We celebrate when a person has lived their lives well into their 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and 100’s! 37…celebration? Idk.
“I don’t believe that I ever had the pleasure of meeting your older brother. When I read about him on your family’s Go Fund Me, it was like I could see and feel him. It gave me such a vivid glimpse of the type of man Joel was and the impact he made on everyone. So vibrant, such an imprint, such a unique eclectic soul! From the music tastes to the humor and personality. I went as far as to share the link to the Go Fund Me not just to support the cause in a financial sense, but really because I wanted to say, LOOK! READ THIS!! I wanted to be sure other people saw what I saw and really became aware of the existence of men like your brother. That’s the spice of life. What Joel had, from what I gather, is that SPARK that just penetrates deep into your spirit. A richness of character that you can really feel and that lingers like ripples in water. My condolences to you and your family, my brother. Even in his passing, Joel’s life strongly impacted me. May God be with you and your family.” – DaeShawn Kelley
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